How To Load A Truck Camper

A properly loaded truck camper is truly a thing of beauty. Correctly positioned in the exact center of the truck bed, it gives a sense of symmetry and proportion, of freedom, adventure, exploration, and self-reliance, of a job well done and a catastrophe avoided. But jacking a $30,000 two-ton camper 15' into the air on four skinny legs and then backing a $50,000 one-ton crew cab dually under it with only a couple of inches of clearance on either side can occasionally be just a little bit stressful, and if not undertaken with the proper state of mind, can test the strength of a 30-year marriage, the limits of the First Amendment, and the enforceability of neighborhood covenants.

My pre-truck-camper-loading goal is to strive for a completely calm, meditative-like state of mind by avoiding any activities that can increase stress levels before the loading process is initiated. Choosing the proper time of day and day of week is an extremely important factor in maintaining the proper stress-free state of mind. Attempting to load the camper late on Friday evening for a 3-day weekend of camping and bass fishing after a very stressful 12-hour day at work will almost always result in two officers of the law showing up at my residence to investigate a "domestic disturbance". Trying to load the camper in the early Saturday morning pre-dawn hours is not any better, and generally ends with the same results. This can be especially embarrassing when the same two officers from the night before show up at my front door for the second time!

I have found that Saturday afternoon, between the hours 2pm and 4pm, on the weekend before I plan to leave, seems to be the best time for my wife and I to load our truck camper. At that time of day on Saturday, there always seems to be plenty of neighbors around in the event we need someone to call an ambulance, fire department, rescue squad . . . or a 40-ton rental crane should I happen to drop the camper on myself, the wife, dog, cat, car, truck, house, whatever. I've also found that at that time of day on Saturday, my neighbors don't seem to mind the yelling and screaming as much. Even if I let out a stream of four letter words that would qualify me for a guest appearance on the Osburnes, my neighbors just don't seem to care. Perhaps think we're watching a ball game on TV.

So, the following is my normal loading process, but it is specifically based on a much anticipated trip to beautiful Yellowstone Park, Wyoming:

	Remove the 60-pound tailgate from the truck and promptly drop it on my foot! Realize that I’m not as young as I used to be, and ask the wife for assistance with carrying the tailgate into the garage
	Hobble back over to the truck and very carefully position it squarely in front of camper
	Carefully run camper all the way up on the electric jacks
	With wife giving directions, carefully back truck under camper
	Very carefully lower camper into truck bed and find that it's about 1 inch to the right of center
	Run camper all the way back up on the electric jacks
	Carefully pull forward, with wife as spotter, maneuver truck 1/2 inch to the right and carefully back truck under camper for the second time
	Lower camper back into truck bed and find that it's now about 1 inch to the left of center
	Mumble something to self as I run camper all the way back up on the electric jacks again, wife says, "what did you say?" I respond, "nothing Dear"
	Carefully pull forward, with wife as spotter, maneuver truck 1/2 inch to left and carefully back truck under camper for the third time
	Lower camper into truck bed and find that it's now about 2 inches to the right of center
	Blame dyslexic wife for lousy directions and not knowing her left from right as I run camper all the way back up on the electric jacks again
	Watch as disgruntled wife storms into the house while waving at me with middle finger
	Carefully pull forward (with no spotter now), maneuver truck 1 inch to right, and carefully back truck under camper for the fourth time
	Lower camper into truck bed and find that it's now about 2 inches to the left of center
	Throw the camper jack remote on the ground and watch the battery, the battery compartment cover, and the top and bottom of the remote fly off in 4 different directions
	Gather up all the pieces to the camper jack remote, reassemble, and secure with a piece of duct tape
	Cuss useless dog as I run the damn camper all the way back up on the electric jacks again
	Pull the truck forward one more time, maneuver truck 1 inch to left and carefully back truck under camper for the fifth time
	Lower camper back into truck bed and find that it's perfectly centered! Great! But it's also cocked about 10 degrees from straight
	Cuss architect, prime contractor, and concrete man that poured my driveway 5 years ago as I run the friggin' camper all the way back up on the electric jacks one more time
	Go in house, apologize to wife, and ask her resumed role as spotter
	Pull that sorry Ford forward one more time, with wife back as spotter, maneuver truck and carefully back truck under camper for the sixth time
	Lower camper back into truck bed and find that it's perfectly centered and perfectly straight! Great!
	Congratulate nearsighted dyslexic wife for much improved directions, and for figuring out her right from her left, and her elbow from her asshole!
	After wife gives me a one finger salute and leaves for the second time, I notice that the truck tail lights are touching camper because I forgot to put the %$#@!&# plywood spacer between the front of the !@%$# camper and the%&$#!!@ truck bed
	Cuss the %#$@&%! Ford engineer responsible for changing the #$%#!& bed dimensions on the new Super %$#@!&% Duty trucks as I run the &%!@$# camper all the way back up on the $%#@!! electric jacks one more time so I can put the !$#@%$#@! plywood spacer in!
	So finally, after several more attempts and a trip to the local truck stop for more diesel, I get the !@#$%#@! thing centered and straight on the !@#$%$#@! truck, tied down, boat on the hitch, wife and dog in the cab headed west for three !#@$%#@! fun-filled #$%&*#! weeks in Yellow$%#@!@#@!Stone, Wyoming.
	So, why is it important to own a dog if your wife helps you load your truck camper? Cuz it’s nice to have someone to talk to during a three-day drive to Yellowstone!

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